Radical Group Opposes Fences

–Cincinnati, OH

For the second time this week, business has halted in the McNally Fences Inc due to radical protests about their cause and practices. The party held responsible is known only as the “Togetherness Group”, which is a splinter group that promotes many things ranging from racial harmony to closeness between all people. Their main topic of concern as of late has been the abundance of fences in American architecture. Co-founder of the group, Kathy Steele, explains that

“It is our right as human beings to be together and unite as earthlings. When someone puts up a fence, the person is building a barrier from the outside world, preventing the individual from making friends, falling in love, or feeling any sort of emotion. Our mission is to eliminate fences from the source, and so far, it has been a great success.”

Although their point seems to make sense, many would argue that their methods do not work very well. Instead of simply picketing in front of the fence factory, leaders from the group sneak onto the grounds at night and builds fences around the fences protecting the factory. In effect, no delivery truck can come in or out, thus halting business. We sat down with the CEO of McNally Fences, Billy McNally, and he had many heated words to say:

“Just the fact that they are preventing me from making money is an outrage. I am an honest man trying to make an honest living, and these free-loving liberals are always trying to screw around with my way of life. This is America: a nation built on fences. If there were no fences, Mexico would’ve took over a long time ago. And that’s something you can take to the bank.”

In a heated standoff today, McNally employees tore down the fence in front of the fence, and the picketers quickly responded with another fence that they had on deck. Frustrated, the worker tore down the new fence, and he was answered with a bullet to his head by an unknown gunwoman. The chaos ensued long into the afternoon when the protesters put up two fences at the same time, thus confusing the workers and halting production for the day. Toby Newton, who is a self-proclaimed Pickett Fence specialist at McNally claims that

“I have seen many crazy things happen in this fence factory, but this is by far the most ironic. I mean, come on, I’m a picket specialist, and I’m warding off picketers? It just bleeds wordplay. But I do think we can win this battle. Pretty soon, they’re going to run out of fences and have to buy them from us.”

At the end of the day, the factory cleared out, leaving nothing but a stoned dude sitting up against the gate, with a bloody T-Shirt that read “We Just Want Everyone To Be Together”. And in this fleeting moment, this journalist can not agree more.