Madness from the Breakfast Table

Stress-disorders and Paranoia in Every Box!


If breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day, then looking at what the Millennial generation ate before heading off to elementary school may offer some insight into the current state of the world. The collective disfunction does not just come from the sugar-saturated cereals themselves, but also the entire culture wrapped around the various Captain Crunches and Cocoa Puffs that interjected itself with innocent Saturday morning cartoons to expose a whole generation to a hollow set of values. Everyday, people willingly sit and stare at a box designed to mentally force-feed them into a life filled with mediocrity and conformity. The following TV spots offer examples of some of the most ethically and morally bankrupt poison that remains deeply seeded in our entire society. 

So all women, including your own grandma, not only have the ability to be conniving and use their feminine wiles to get what they want but also will enjoy the thievery. And guys will do anything, including bragging about a secret raid where they stole from old ladies, if there is even the remote chance that they’ll get some action out of it. And anyone out there with a club house better watch out, because apparently senior citizens have their license to kill, or at least a license to pretend to be teenybopper girls. I think Dateline did a special on that. 

Commercials like this one have helped to create a nation of pill-poppers. It’s not the kids’ fault that they have become thugs and gangbangers, they’ve got marshmallows on the brain which obviously makes you into a crazed lunatic. Better watch out around the campfire, you’re best friend may suddenly become a bloodthirsty monter. But he can’t be held accountable, he’s rolling on Balloons. 

Sam Toucan is pushing the green herb onto kids. Just follow your nose… to another bowl. He’s probably on some hidden government agency’s payroll. Weed wastoids are their favorite druggies, they just sit around watching cartoons all day and don’t cause any problems. I bet some government fatcats would be as pleased as punch if there were more Spocolis running around, well not running around, more like stumbling and squinting around. 

Remember kids, if you want something you should whine for it. But be prepared for disappointment because most adults would rather stare at the television than interact with you. Plus, if you want it bad enough, you can actually completely escape this world and live life entirely inside your TV! So both the Matrix and WoW just ripped off the idea from a Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial. 

What your brain actually thinks when it sees this commercial:”Snap son! Let’s go pop a crackle rock. And if we buy enough crackle, we can send in the box tops so we can roll!” Great Job Kelloggs, Great Job. 

Looking at all these commercials has made me hungry… but is it a hunger that can only be satisfied by blood? If you see me in the next issue of Busted, tell them that the cereal made me do it.

– Roscoe