It’s Made of People!? Looking into Cannibalism in the Frozen Treats Industry

It started several weeks ago, when Baskin Robbins unveiled its new summertime treat: Monkey Brain Sherbet. Most food critics and the population in general thought the gimmick was in poor taste, but competing ice cream franchises saw a glimpse into the future of the frozen confection world and were quick to jump on the bandwagon. The most noteworthy new dessert on the market comes from a name that is synonymous with ice cream itself in most of the Western world: the industry mogul Dairy Queen.
According to an inside source, the decision to go ahead and create the new flavor came after hours of heated debate behind closed doors. A research team offered the company a controversial new product that had the potential to keep the company at the top of the frozen treat realm, but only if DQ had the daring to plow ahead into uncharted territory by upping the ante with something a notch above primates: people. More specifically, Girl Scouts.

An employee present at the hush-hush meeting agreed to talk with us under the condition of anonymity for fear of losing his job for giving out company secrets. He offered this as insight into where the idea originated: “Basically we were having our annual company movie marathon when we came up with the idea. I don’t know, for some reason the films seemed to make the choice seem like the only logical option.” The films screened included Soylent Green, Silence of the Lamb, Cannibal the Musical, Sweeney Todd, and Interview with a Cannibal.

After engaging in talks with the Girl Scouts of America Association, DQ reached an agreement to help provide a new outreach program for the scouts, if they would agree to ‘donate’ a body part such as an arm or a leg for use in the treats. For their help, the scouts receive a merit badge in Ingredients in Innovative Cooking. A spokesperson for DQ stated, “We feel we are offering the young girls a means to move beyond superficial things like appearance and are allowing them to break free from stereotypes by giving them an opportunity to become a handi-able amputee member of society with a deeply rooted respect for those less fortunate than themselves.”

After the initial shock calmed down within the local community, people started to support the new treat in a big way. Robert Sandiski Jr., a local trout salesman, gave this testimony, “I just can’t get enough of ’em. I hope that they (Dairy Queen) have a plan to keep the supply up, because the local chapter of girl scouts is looking mighty thin.” Our field reporter decided to cut the interview short when Mr. Sandiski started to lick his lips while sizing up the cameraman’s thigh and mumbling, “Bet you’d be delicious with some nougat cream.”

If this new direction in the frozen dairy world is any indicator for our society at large we may be on the cusp of a new era filled with succulent terror and scrumptious ethical dilemmas. Only time will tell if this is just a flash in the pan or if there is indeed some meat on these bones.

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