Local Man Successfully Gets Laid After Eating Fifth-Third Burger

Comstock Park, MI

Consuming 5,000 calories in one sitting is an extremely daunting task. Appearing to be physically attractive afterward is a whole other ball game. Thursday night, the baseball game between the West Michigan Whitecaps and the Peoria Chiefs was one of little importance. That is, when it is faced against the feat of strength and integrity performed by local man, Steve Niles. Instead of going to the ballgame to see baseball, Steve had an alternative motive: to conquer the Fifth-Third Burger. His reward: a night with Julie Knaver, local woman who was entranced by Steve’s eating skills.

“I was getting my boyfriend some beer when I walked by the picnic table that Steve was sitting at. He looks so sexy stuffing the beef down his throat. I knew at that moment that I had to fuck him. So I threw the beers at my boyfriend and called it quits. It was fate.”, Julie recalls.

Although this may be the typical situation of boy-meets-girl, some analysts beg to differ.

“With the amount of calories and fat that he consumed, there is no scientific way that any female could be attracted to him. If you understand pheromones, you will know that there is no logical way of this happening.”, argues local scientist, Dr. Timothy Knobs.

So is it a miracle, or a conspiracy? Some bystanders hinted that Steve cheated, but none of them were available for comment. Although Steve may had been attractive to Julie at the ball park, in the bedroom was another story. Julie reveals:

“The sex was really good, I have to admit. The man knows how to burn his calories. However, instead of climaxing, he threw up all over me. Is that too much information?”

Yes, Julie. Yes it is. The world may never know how Steve Niles was able to successfully sleep with another woman, but we will not stop trying to figure it out. However, in the words on Steve himself, the experience as a whole could be summarized in two words:

“Fucking awesome!”

-TeeCoZee