El Cozo’s Top 5 Misconceptions Made Up By Advertisers

In a new groundbreaking category on Baseball For Dinner, I will be making “Top 5” lists. Categories will be chosen at random from “Top 5 Fast Food Slogans” to “Top 5 Movies In Which Someone Gets Shot In The Face”. This week: the top 5 lies that advertisers shove down our throats.

5) White People Smoke Newports

Now before you start calling me Jim Crowe and throwing my neck into a flaming noose covered in shit, hear me out. Most advertisements that you will see for Newports feature white people. And by white people, I mean white people. Businessmen, surfers, fishers, the whitest people they can find. Basically, anybody who would never touch a Newport. The ads feature the demographic that are undistuputedly spoken for by Basic, Marlboro and Virginia Slims. I am trying really hard to not seem racist, but from 2 years of experience of selling cigarettes and 6 years of being around smokers, I can say with all honesty that the only people that smoke Newports are either black, or wish they were. Stereotypes are made for a reason. White people smoke white cigarettes, and other races do the same. It should also be noted that whenever black people are in Newport ads, they are being mocked, or being charactures of themselves.

4) All Bodily Fluids Are Blue

Whether it be urine, poop, or that other stuff, if there’s anything that ads teach us, it is that they are all blue. Who the fuck do they think we are? Blue people? Now I’m sure that they don’t want to offend people with showing actual excrement in a product test, but really, what’s the difference? Come to think of it, they really don’t show shit on TV. For some reason that’s really taboo, even though we see it every day.

3) Whitish-Brown Women With Curly Hair Live Only For Bank Accounts, Cell Phones and Shopping

It’s almost like a disease. I for one have never seen a woman that looks like this, but every other cell phone, bank, credit card, condom ad has her in it. Is it the same person, or are they massively producing clones? What makes this woman so appealing to prospective consumers? Now, I am sure that these robots have other pleasures in life. I’m sure she also likes peanut butter and Mazdas. Why can’t those wants be reflected? You know why? It’s because these people don’t exist. Truth.

2) All Animals Need Cleaning Products. Especially Talking Ones.

There used to be a time when bored housewives would be in commercials selling cleaning products to bored housewives. That shit just doesn’t cut it anymore. This is the 21st century! So how do we sell this toilet paper? Fuck it, throw in a bear! But this new air freshener needs a spokesperson? Let’s make CGI raccoons to pitch it! This fox has a cold! What do we do? Give him some puffs! That’s what he needs! Because animals deserve to be manipulated to appear to be human to the media! Let’s hear it for ANIMALS!

1) The Only Things Men Care About Are Girls, Tools, Sports, and Bud Light

This one came to me a month ago when I was shopping for Fathers Day cards. Every card depicted dad as either a handyman, a pervert, an alcoholic, an oaf, a jock, or some weird combination of all of them. I thought to myself that I will never want to have kids. Because that would mean that I would receive one of these cards some day. Which leads to the main question: how exactly are men portrayed in the media these days? Just look at Spike TV. I dare you. Throughout the years, the media has been show a regression of men getting dumber and dumber and dumber. Why should I buy Bud Light? Because you can drink it! Oh, okay, that makes sense. Bud light it is. I can’t tell you how many commercials I’ve seen that had started with the husband doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching sports, inadvertently telling the wife to fuck off. Apparently, the only way for a father and son to bond is by making something (what if you’re clumsy?). Most “Men Oriented” programs feature at least one girl in a bikini (what if you hate bikinis?). Now, I realize that women are also lumped into generalized categories as well, and it’s probably a problem. But if I have to hear the word drinkability one more time, someone is getting punched. By a fist of manliness.

And that’s that.